Dear Dad

When I began this blog I called it Candid Expressions of a Modern Kundalini Yogette for a reason.  My desire was to express myself from the depths of my heart.  Selfishly actually, because I have learned that expression is quite an important part of this journey.  As we repress feelings of sadness down, they get thick and build up like plaque on the walls of arteries.  This is how heart attacks happen.  For years I have repressed so many feelings and resentments in my being and all in perfection.  What fun it has been to uncover and learn through those experiences. How incredibly amazing technology is that I can share myself with beings all around the world and through doing that heal myself. Here I share a letter to my beloved Dad…

Dear Da Da,

I know I am a little late for Father’s Day but I didn’t think to write you a letter until now.  I want to write you a letter to tell you how I feel. As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  I have to admit anytime I think of you, I get emotional. You and I have been through a lot together.  A part of me has shoved those years down because of the trauma you and I have been through.  When I think of everything we have been through I realize that we needed to go through all of that. I think all of the pain has catapulted me into where I am today.  Today I am a woman who is working on herself to inspire others to heal their pain as well.  I know that you had a tough life and being in the war impacted you greatly.  I don’t think any man should have to endure what you did.  I don’t think Veterans get anywhere near the amount of respect you deserve.  As much as I do not agree with war, I do understand that this is where humanity is in its evolution.  I hope when my kids grow up, that war will be a part of history.  I remember when I was young and you tried so hard to teach me things.  I was resistant and maybe for a reason.  Maybe I was not supposed to be the Wimbledon star you wanted me to be.  I appreciate the things you took the time out to teach me such as riding a bike, swimming and how you encouraged me to play tennis. Do you remember when I wanted to knit so bad? I laugh so hard when I think of that.  You taught me my sense of humor and I am honored to have your sense of humor. I know things have not been easy for you but I think you are beginning to soften up in this time in your life.  It is beautiful to see you soften.  I remember your charm as a child and your boldness.  I never understood you as a child and now I hope to take on your ability to just not care what anyone thinks of you.  Being such a sensitive child and I know you worried about that for me. Please know that you do not have to worry about me.  I am a human being and life is going to throw curveballs at me but I know now that things always work out.  The natural proclivity of any parent is to worry and I guess I cannot judge it until I become a parent.  My hope is that me writing you this letter will help to ease your worry.  My soul knows that you did the best you could and for that I am eternally grateful to you.  I can’t imagine what it is like to raise a little girl all on your own.  I know we both made mistakes but really there are no mistakes, just opportunities for growth.  I want you to know that I think the world of you and see your greatness.  You are a great man and I am honored to be your daughter.

Love,

T Baby

Mixed Signals

You can call it ambivalence, capriciousness or being fickle.  Whatever the term, it is indecision that keeps us going back and forth.  It is a feeling of not knowing.  We have all had this experience and sometimes very often.  It even happens in the little decisions we make each day such as what we are going to eat, what we are going to wear or what career to chose.  This ambivalence is giving the universe mixed signals.   This is how it works, you decide you want something or would like to experience something.  The universe then starts conjuring up all of the circumstances and people needed to make this happen.  You then start to worry that it is not coming, you believe you do not deserve it or you may change your mind for no good reason at all.  You have now dropped out of the vibration for the universe to bring this thing that you want to you.  All of those circumstances are now changing to fit what you are feeling which is an unsure feeling.  What you can do is make a decision on what you want, feel appreciation for it.  Trust so deeply that it is yours. This part if huge, just sit and watch what happens.  It may or may not look exactly look like what you pictured. Can you just make a decision and trust that no matter what road you take they all take you to exactly where you need to be?  Follow what feels good, its quite simple. Beginning to trust the feeling in your heart center.  The more you trust your feelings, the stronger and more clear they become.

Familiar Feeling

Oh the familiar feeling of uncertainty.  It is this wiggly feeling in your tummy and then your head starts spinning. So many scenarios running through your head. You go through each one playing that mental movie out and seeing how it turns out.  That thought dies and then you go on to another scenario. I wonder if the career I have chosen is the right one? Is there something better than I could be doing? How can I make more money?  Am I ever going to get married?  What am I going to have for breakfast?  It never stops and I have to tell you that it never will. You can meditate in a cave for hours and they will still come and go.  The key here is to recognize that those thoughts are not you. They are objects of consciousness. The real you is the center within that witnesses these thoughts.  The great thing is as you start to bring more awareness into your inner self.  You begin to catch these thoughts and you do not get carried away in the emotions of them.  We don’t want to get carried away in the emotions because emotions are feelings.  What we feel creates our experience. So if all day we are getting carried away by worrisome thoughts then in the long run we end up creating the experiences bases upon how we are feeling.  There is a paradox of creation and destiny here.  The paradox is that life is unfolding FOR us AND we are creating it by our feelings.  Remember though if you are creating through feelings, they must be authentic.  You cannot trick the universe.  Although, you can fake it till you make it.  You have been given a gift to come and watch the drama of life.  It helps me to remember in my strong resistance moments that this is just a blip in time.  Everything changes.