Love Anyway

I remember as a teenager in high school being so loving and so helpful. If anyone asked for my help I would be the first one there. I was willing to do whatever anyone needed without needing anything in return. There were times I felt it wasn’t appreciated but I was so young, open and it wasn’t a big deal.

I remember a friend of mine Keisha said to me one day “You need to toughen up”. She was the kind of girl that stood up for herself and maybe a little rough around the edges. Keisha went on to explain that people are going to run over me if I was too nice. A shift happened in that moment, a hardening. I began to see that she was right, I wasn’t being appreciated and I was being taken advantage of. I started to pull back from believing that people are mostly good. That innocent loving girl was hidden behind the fear of being a pushover.

As the years went on I would find myself holding back in certain situations depending on the person I was interacting with. I would withhold compliments, love or help if I felt that person would not appreciate or reciprocate. I did this out of fear of losing a part of myself. If I felt that someone wasn’t supportive of my endeavors or me in general I would build a wall. I would see their envy or their disbelief in me and assume that I wasn’t being loved. All the while this was a reflection of my own disconnection to love for myself.

The only reason someone isn’t supportive of you in any way is his or her own insecurity or perception of lack. When you are a sensitive being you feel every energy shift.  If you are not careful you will assume it is because of you. If you read Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements you would know that nothing others do is because of you.

In that one moment that I allowed Keisha to change my perception, my whole world changed. I began to only give my love when I knew it would be reciprocated.

As I become aware of this shift in perception and bring light to it, I see how to balance this energy. With experience and awareness comes wisdom. There comes the ability to see how something served you for the time being and the willpower to move beyond and change.

The lesson here is to love anyway. It is to see the world and people as loving. Give yourself to others with no expectation. Having the awareness to know when you are exerting too much energy. There is a healthy balance; you must know yourself enough to know when to give and when to let go. Being compassionate when you see that someone’s pain is so deep that they react to your love in an unkind way. When you can feel that someone is in pain and reacting in jealousy or fear, love anyway. It may not be the easiest path at first but I feel that it does get easier. To do this authentically it is necessary to feel that deep love for yourself. To know that you are always taken care of and perfect just as you are.  So love anyway.

Dear Dad

When I began this blog I called it Candid Expressions of a Modern Kundalini Yogette for a reason.  My desire was to express myself from the depths of my heart.  Selfishly actually, because I have learned that expression is quite an important part of this journey.  As we repress feelings of sadness down, they get thick and build up like plaque on the walls of arteries.  This is how heart attacks happen.  For years I have repressed so many feelings and resentments in my being and all in perfection.  What fun it has been to uncover and learn through those experiences. How incredibly amazing technology is that I can share myself with beings all around the world and through doing that heal myself. Here I share a letter to my beloved Dad…

Dear Da Da,

I know I am a little late for Father’s Day but I didn’t think to write you a letter until now.  I want to write you a letter to tell you how I feel. As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  I have to admit anytime I think of you, I get emotional. You and I have been through a lot together.  A part of me has shoved those years down because of the trauma you and I have been through.  When I think of everything we have been through I realize that we needed to go through all of that. I think all of the pain has catapulted me into where I am today.  Today I am a woman who is working on herself to inspire others to heal their pain as well.  I know that you had a tough life and being in the war impacted you greatly.  I don’t think any man should have to endure what you did.  I don’t think Veterans get anywhere near the amount of respect you deserve.  As much as I do not agree with war, I do understand that this is where humanity is in its evolution.  I hope when my kids grow up, that war will be a part of history.  I remember when I was young and you tried so hard to teach me things.  I was resistant and maybe for a reason.  Maybe I was not supposed to be the Wimbledon star you wanted me to be.  I appreciate the things you took the time out to teach me such as riding a bike, swimming and how you encouraged me to play tennis. Do you remember when I wanted to knit so bad? I laugh so hard when I think of that.  You taught me my sense of humor and I am honored to have your sense of humor. I know things have not been easy for you but I think you are beginning to soften up in this time in your life.  It is beautiful to see you soften.  I remember your charm as a child and your boldness.  I never understood you as a child and now I hope to take on your ability to just not care what anyone thinks of you.  Being such a sensitive child and I know you worried about that for me. Please know that you do not have to worry about me.  I am a human being and life is going to throw curveballs at me but I know now that things always work out.  The natural proclivity of any parent is to worry and I guess I cannot judge it until I become a parent.  My hope is that me writing you this letter will help to ease your worry.  My soul knows that you did the best you could and for that I am eternally grateful to you.  I can’t imagine what it is like to raise a little girl all on your own.  I know we both made mistakes but really there are no mistakes, just opportunities for growth.  I want you to know that I think the world of you and see your greatness.  You are a great man and I am honored to be your daughter.

Love,

T Baby

Seeing Beyond

When someone you love has betrayed you or someone has said something that hurts you, to see their light is to see beyond your psyche.  To be able to see the connection, to see their part in your evolution.  Having compassion means to look at another wounded mind and recognize it as their mind not as them.  Seeing beyond the illusion and looking at their soul.  Rumi said “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there”.  That field is neutrality, that field is nothingness.  To see another being for the love that they truly are is the highest path.  It is also the hardest damn thing to do…we must laugh here.  I have been practicing this on a few people in my life, it takes great awareness to practice this.  A huge part of me want to focus on the things they said or did. I catch myself and begin again by focusing my awareness on the light in their beautiful soul.  I see them as a great teacher, almost as if I had chosen them and the circumstance for my higher evolution.  I see the bigger picture, I feel the pain with the knowing that it will soon pass and a new experience will unfold.  Everyone, yes everyone, no exceptions is a part of this whole. Nothing is separate, no event is not meant to be.  Can you find one person that has hurt you and see the light within them rather than the illusion that you believe in?

 

Trigger Happy

What if you decided today to welcome pain? Our natural proclivity is to resist pain. We all have triggers that engage our own personal fears.  We stop ourselves from getting into a relationship or trying something new for fear of failure or rejection.  We remember a time when we were let down by someone or a situation didn’t work out in our favor.  We start to feel those feelings again.  It is quite painful. It actually feels like the end of the world.  We are then consumed by the thoughts and emotions associated with this particular fear.  It can swallow you up very quickly.  I have the good old fear of abandonment program running.  If I feel like I have opened up to someone and it feels like they are pulling away my ego kicks in.  It either wants to cling to the person or run far away.  Those are the two options to protect it from being abandoned.  There is another option and it is so much easier.  It might not feel like it and I promise you that your ego will want to fight this.  It is possible to see the pain as it it comes up and tell yourself things like “oh, this is my old pattern coming up”.   Then say “I am just going to relax and let this be here for a while”. See it as a passing event and however it turns out I will be ok.  It sounds really simple and it is.  You must however actually do it and be so present when these feeling arise.  Catching it in the first moment you feel the heat rising is the way to really change the course of your behavior.  The secret is you have to WANT to change.  Do you really want to feel better? Do you believe that you can?  Do you want to live in peace, joy and harmony? If you do, then do the simple thing.  Relax around your triggers.