Love Anyway

I remember as a teenager in high school being so loving and so helpful. If anyone asked for my help I would be the first one there. I was willing to do whatever anyone needed without needing anything in return. There were times I felt it wasn’t appreciated but I was so young, open and it wasn’t a big deal.

I remember a friend of mine Keisha said to me one day “You need to toughen up”. She was the kind of girl that stood up for herself and maybe a little rough around the edges. Keisha went on to explain that people are going to run over me if I was too nice. A shift happened in that moment, a hardening. I began to see that she was right, I wasn’t being appreciated and I was being taken advantage of. I started to pull back from believing that people are mostly good. That innocent loving girl was hidden behind the fear of being a pushover.

As the years went on I would find myself holding back in certain situations depending on the person I was interacting with. I would withhold compliments, love or help if I felt that person would not appreciate or reciprocate. I did this out of fear of losing a part of myself. If I felt that someone wasn’t supportive of my endeavors or me in general I would build a wall. I would see their envy or their disbelief in me and assume that I wasn’t being loved. All the while this was a reflection of my own disconnection to love for myself.

The only reason someone isn’t supportive of you in any way is his or her own insecurity or perception of lack. When you are a sensitive being you feel every energy shift.  If you are not careful you will assume it is because of you. If you read Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements you would know that nothing others do is because of you.

In that one moment that I allowed Keisha to change my perception, my whole world changed. I began to only give my love when I knew it would be reciprocated.

As I become aware of this shift in perception and bring light to it, I see how to balance this energy. With experience and awareness comes wisdom. There comes the ability to see how something served you for the time being and the willpower to move beyond and change.

The lesson here is to love anyway. It is to see the world and people as loving. Give yourself to others with no expectation. Having the awareness to know when you are exerting too much energy. There is a healthy balance; you must know yourself enough to know when to give and when to let go. Being compassionate when you see that someone’s pain is so deep that they react to your love in an unkind way. When you can feel that someone is in pain and reacting in jealousy or fear, love anyway. It may not be the easiest path at first but I feel that it does get easier. To do this authentically it is necessary to feel that deep love for yourself. To know that you are always taken care of and perfect just as you are.  So love anyway.

Humbled

I love the quote “Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness” –Eckhart Tolle. That is a deep statement. As we step into a desire to become more expansive, life experiences arise so that we may have the experience and cultivate a new perspective. The experience life has given me in the past year or so is the experience of not having very much money, having just enough or sometimes even the feeling of not having enough. This is a quite a humbling experience. You begin to think back to the times you judged your friends for not having the money to go to dinner or join you at an event and wish you didn’t. As a person on the path seeking you begin to look to the belief systems you carry that prevent your experience of abundance. You realize that you have been conditioned by someone or some experience in the past to come from a place of lack consciousness. It is your choice to transmute those beliefs systems and have the courage to move through the pain of processing the suffering.

There are many lessons to learn during this experience.  I opened up to the idea that there are many free resources that I felt I was too good to open up to when I had the money to do them. It is possible to cook at home most of the time.  I was forced to cancel my yoga membership. One month later I was offered a position to teach at Golden Bridge, so as a teacher I practice for free as an employee. I bartered with massage therapists trading Reiki treatments for massages.  Taking cash out and giving myself a budget each week helps me to be mindful of what I spend. I decided to put myself out there like I never did before. I sent in my resume to jobs I never would have thought I would. I took action while all the time trusting all is perfect. I cried. I panicked. I thought moving away would solve my financial problems.

Then I realized this is exactly what I needed to learn to grow to have compassion. The abundance lies in your experiences. Your self worth is not defined by the amount of money you have in your account but by your connection to the absolute Divine that is within you. You are the Universe and the Universe is abundance. Count your abundance in all of the ways you see it. Feel the gratitude for all that surrounds you. Focus there. Put all of your awareness on the gratitude for this life experience and be excited for what is coming.

 

 

Eastern vs. Western

As the New Year started I was going through my on again off again “What is my purpose?” phase. In my angst, I intuitively decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

On the second visit I was telling him things like “I just get bored of things easily”.  My focus wasn’t up to par.  He then stated, “Kat, you know it sounds like you have ADD”. When I was in high school I took some of my friend’s Adderall and did my homework at super human speed.  I personally have always had an aversion to any type of stimulate. I, of course, wanted to know what causes the experience of ADD.  He explained that it is a low level of Dopamine, a chemical the brain produces.  I came home and began my research on Dopamine and Amphetamines.

Dopamine is the “motivation” or “pleasure” chemical. The truth is the complexities of the chemical happenings in our brain are beyond incredible.  The best part is we don’t have to think about it, it happens by the Divine Intelligence of our bodies.  As we educate ourselves on how all of these happenings work, then we are really empowered.  Deepak Chopra simply says, “Knowledge has organizing power”.

The next day after my psychiatric appointment I had my third appointment with my acupuncturist.  I had the same talk with her as with my psychiatrist.  I told her of my woes of purpose in life, lack of motivation and uncertainty of where I wanted to move in the direction of.  She would smile and give a compassionate response.  Because of the energy meridians opening, tears would well up in my eyes and I would feel heaviness in my heart.  I was alert and present to the feeling.  I have studied the ancient knowledge of Traditional Chinese Medicine.  I knew about how the tongue can give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of our organs.

My tongue has always had indent markings on the side. It looks like my tongue is swollen and pressing up against my teeth at a pretty intense pressure.  TCM states that this is a result of yang and Qi deficiency.  Yin the cooling feminine aspect and yang is the warming masculine aspect. Knowing that my tendency and constitution is heavier on the Yin side it is important for me to balance my energies with Yang practices.

With the help of the Eastern philosophy and Western Intellectualism I am now in a place to learn to be ok with the energy I so vehemently had an aversion to.  I decided not to take the to drink a cup of Bulletproof coffee with coconut oil and Ghee to jumpstart.  To be clear, you don’t need coffee to stimulate Dopamine.  I simply want to learn this energy and this is how I am choosing to do it at this moment in time. You stimulate Dopamine by sleeping enough, eating right and exercising.  But I have always had an affinity with the coffee culture and always secretly desired to be a part of the coffee club.  With my newfound courage to be ok with the fire energy I can take part in this warming action energy.  I can build the digestive fire while all the while building the fire to put my dreams into action.  As I build my digestion I will be able to have my body working at optimal levels so that my brain can produce the correct balance of chemicals.  Remembering all the while this is a journey and I am grateful to be on it.

Doing, Doing, Doing

When I look around at the world I see a bunch of ants running around doing a bunch of things and in a hurry to do them.  I often ponder if that is our purpose.  I see so much of our society is based on what we are doing or accomplishing.  Is that the real nature of being human? To do, make and create?  I don’t have answers to this.  I have come to realize that I know nothing and the things I think I know are changing or probably will change.  I am just here perceiving how I perceive and doing my best to come to new conclusions with those new perceptions.  I find myself in a place where there is a clean slate and I feel a ton of pressure to figure out what I am going to do now.  I see how everyone has their creation they are working so hard on and with so much passion.  I have a lot of respect for it.  I just don’t have that in this moment and by not having that somehow I have picked up in my subconscious that does not make me worthy. It is so interesting how we have defined our self worth by what we accomplish and do.  In truth, just being is so beyond worthy in itself.  So do I have to have some big project or goal in the pipeline? I feel that my conditioning says yes and it is a big yes.  It is saying “Kat, get off your ass and do something big or you are going to be living in a box on the side of the street”.  There is however a small but tiny voice that says “Just relax Kat, you just do what you feel in this moment and all is unfolding for you perfectly”.  So which voice do I listen to?  I think I will listen to the small tiny voice and see what happens.

 

Patience Is A Virtue

I found myself walking through whole foods the other day feeling irritated at people cutting me off and then noticing myself cutting people off as I walk through the busy isles.  I checked in with myself at that moment and noticed there was space for me to be more conscious, to be more patient.  So often we are running around from one place to the next or not even a place to be and we are in such a hurry.  We become so unaware of the other people around us more often than not.  I find myself saying things like “people annoy me” or “who does this guy think he is?”.  It is the inner resistance voice coming up.  It happens when circumstances are looking stressful in my life experience.  My irritation level is on high alert.  When circumstances are looking good this doesn’t happen so often.  So being more conscious of those moments when those impatient thoughts and feelings come.  I notice those feelings and then in the next moment make a new choice to allow someone to go in front of me or smile at the hard workers.  As we bring more consciousness to these types of inner resistant thoughts we are able to transmute them on a higher level.  It happens of itself over time.  I am the first to admit I get agitated easily and with that brings a greater agent for change.  Bashar says, “It’s the rubber band effect, the further you shoot into the darkness, the further you shoot into the light”.  So do not fret if you find you have a lot of resistance inside of you. 

 

The Unknown

What is it like to live in the unknown and be ok?  What if the universe is creating all of the experiences that you need for your evolution as you?  Your part is to go with what is being created.  So often we go against what has been created. The universe is the organized essence that takes care of every single event that happens in the universe. So that is why we may not experience exactly what we want, when we want it. We must remember that everything is unfolding at the perfect timing in conjunction with the whole. Everything that seems out of order is exactly a part of what needs to happen for the whole. When you are feeling off or disappointed, find a way to be present to what you are feeling. Notice with an observing presence. Knowing that it will pass. We attach and hold on to these passing emotions. By doing that, the energy gets stuck in our energetic field and make us feel heavy.  We feel resistance to what the universe has created because it may not match what we expect.  If we can just trust that everything is  exactly as it should be, those moment of discomfort could turn into a much easier experience.

The Kind of Abundance I Want to Cultivate

I truly believe in the statement “It is all perfect”. Some of my friends think I am a bit silly when I say this.  I can see why it seems silly.  My reasoning behind liking this is because it helps you to see everything as the best possible scenario. When you see a circumstance in this way, you accept it fully and add a positive spin on it.  How awesome is that?  You created it so its perfect for what you are needing in this moment.  The reason we experience pain is because we are getting in the way.  Our higher self is doing all of the connecting and sorting.  Our physical mind’s role is to have perspective.  So the best things we can do is have a great perspective right?

I took a big risk and came to Bangkok, Thailand for a job that was not guaranteed.  I gave up my apartment, my dog and security to take an adventure. I came here with just enough money to pay my bills back home during the three months I was going to stay here. In my mind, I really had a feeling I was going to go home with tons of money in my account.  That three months is coming to an end and I will be going home with no dollars in my account.  There was major fear when this first came to my attention and to add a little tiny bit of resentment. I came all the way across the world to work very hard and go home with no money?  Although I am going home with no dollars in my account, I am going home with so much abundance that money cannot buy.

The experiences and realizations that I have had here are incredibly enriching.  I meet the unknown here, I thought I knew what God was, and now it has integrated.  I have talked about the Divine, Source Energy or whatever you want to call it for years. It was still something that was elusive to me until now. I now have a relationship with Source Energy.  I know it is the invisible mind that we are all connected to, the un-namable.  The one who is creating, it is not outside of me but the bigger part of me as Abraham Hicks teaches.  I learned how to sweat, how to truly be ok with sweating. If you know me, I abhor sweating.  This is huge for me.  My blog was created here. I found a special coffee shop nearby that I ride my bike to and just sat down and started writing.  I never wrote before in my life and now I wonder how I survived without this outlet.  I met a dear friend at that coffee shop that brought me to Buddhist Meditations and great temples like Ayutaya.  She is a friend for life that I cherish so deeply.  I learned to chew my food, to really chew my food.  To make sure that the enzymes are activated so I put less stress on my stomach.  Yogi Bhajan says “You don’t have teeth in your stomach”.  I wondered why I was bloated so often.  Food that isn’t properly masticated rots in your stomach and is breeding ground for bacteria. Gross, I know. Unless you are chewing your food until is liquid then you have problems.  You learn that you don’t need to eat as much when you really take the time to chew your food.  I learned that LA traffic is not that bad in comparison to Bangkok. I look forward to sitting in my Mini on the 101. Let’s hope this awareness stays with me for a while when I return.

That amount of abundance surpasses anything I could have every dreamed of.  I am going home with so much abundance in my heart.  I can feel the abundance that is pouring over me.  That is the kind of abundance I want to cultivate.

Some of the photos I took at this magical place…

Dear Dad

When I began this blog I called it Candid Expressions of a Modern Kundalini Yogette for a reason.  My desire was to express myself from the depths of my heart.  Selfishly actually, because I have learned that expression is quite an important part of this journey.  As we repress feelings of sadness down, they get thick and build up like plaque on the walls of arteries.  This is how heart attacks happen.  For years I have repressed so many feelings and resentments in my being and all in perfection.  What fun it has been to uncover and learn through those experiences. How incredibly amazing technology is that I can share myself with beings all around the world and through doing that heal myself. Here I share a letter to my beloved Dad…

Dear Da Da,

I know I am a little late for Father’s Day but I didn’t think to write you a letter until now.  I want to write you a letter to tell you how I feel. As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  I have to admit anytime I think of you, I get emotional. You and I have been through a lot together.  A part of me has shoved those years down because of the trauma you and I have been through.  When I think of everything we have been through I realize that we needed to go through all of that. I think all of the pain has catapulted me into where I am today.  Today I am a woman who is working on herself to inspire others to heal their pain as well.  I know that you had a tough life and being in the war impacted you greatly.  I don’t think any man should have to endure what you did.  I don’t think Veterans get anywhere near the amount of respect you deserve.  As much as I do not agree with war, I do understand that this is where humanity is in its evolution.  I hope when my kids grow up, that war will be a part of history.  I remember when I was young and you tried so hard to teach me things.  I was resistant and maybe for a reason.  Maybe I was not supposed to be the Wimbledon star you wanted me to be.  I appreciate the things you took the time out to teach me such as riding a bike, swimming and how you encouraged me to play tennis. Do you remember when I wanted to knit so bad? I laugh so hard when I think of that.  You taught me my sense of humor and I am honored to have your sense of humor. I know things have not been easy for you but I think you are beginning to soften up in this time in your life.  It is beautiful to see you soften.  I remember your charm as a child and your boldness.  I never understood you as a child and now I hope to take on your ability to just not care what anyone thinks of you.  Being such a sensitive child and I know you worried about that for me. Please know that you do not have to worry about me.  I am a human being and life is going to throw curveballs at me but I know now that things always work out.  The natural proclivity of any parent is to worry and I guess I cannot judge it until I become a parent.  My hope is that me writing you this letter will help to ease your worry.  My soul knows that you did the best you could and for that I am eternally grateful to you.  I can’t imagine what it is like to raise a little girl all on your own.  I know we both made mistakes but really there are no mistakes, just opportunities for growth.  I want you to know that I think the world of you and see your greatness.  You are a great man and I am honored to be your daughter.

Love,

T Baby

Forgetting and Remembering…

I am utterly in love with awakening and healing and yet it can be so painful to see your wounds in all of their disgusting glory.  I forget all too often on this journey, I must admit. The moments of remembering just how truly divine I am are the greatest blessings. I say to myself “Oh that is who I am, how could I forget again”.  My feelings of separateness fade away and I am washed in love.  I believe this remembering and forgetting is a part of this shift.  I know this because every single moment is exactly the perfect unfolding of our experience. I am watchful to this knowing, the signs are ubiquitous.  I remember that you are me and I am you.  When I condemn another, I condemn myself.  Your heart is my heart.  When I feel this love, the compassion in my heart in unbearable.  For soon, we will not be afraid anymore.  We will remember and bask in the unity for a great while.  Remaining unattached, knowing that the cycle will end and begin again.