Love Anyway

I remember as a teenager in high school being so loving and so helpful. If anyone asked for my help I would be the first one there. I was willing to do whatever anyone needed without needing anything in return. There were times I felt it wasn’t appreciated but I was so young, open and it wasn’t a big deal.

I remember a friend of mine Keisha said to me one day “You need to toughen up”. She was the kind of girl that stood up for herself and maybe a little rough around the edges. Keisha went on to explain that people are going to run over me if I was too nice. A shift happened in that moment, a hardening. I began to see that she was right, I wasn’t being appreciated and I was being taken advantage of. I started to pull back from believing that people are mostly good. That innocent loving girl was hidden behind the fear of being a pushover.

As the years went on I would find myself holding back in certain situations depending on the person I was interacting with. I would withhold compliments, love or help if I felt that person would not appreciate or reciprocate. I did this out of fear of losing a part of myself. If I felt that someone wasn’t supportive of my endeavors or me in general I would build a wall. I would see their envy or their disbelief in me and assume that I wasn’t being loved. All the while this was a reflection of my own disconnection to love for myself.

The only reason someone isn’t supportive of you in any way is his or her own insecurity or perception of lack. When you are a sensitive being you feel every energy shift.  If you are not careful you will assume it is because of you. If you read Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements you would know that nothing others do is because of you.

In that one moment that I allowed Keisha to change my perception, my whole world changed. I began to only give my love when I knew it would be reciprocated.

As I become aware of this shift in perception and bring light to it, I see how to balance this energy. With experience and awareness comes wisdom. There comes the ability to see how something served you for the time being and the willpower to move beyond and change.

The lesson here is to love anyway. It is to see the world and people as loving. Give yourself to others with no expectation. Having the awareness to know when you are exerting too much energy. There is a healthy balance; you must know yourself enough to know when to give and when to let go. Being compassionate when you see that someone’s pain is so deep that they react to your love in an unkind way. When you can feel that someone is in pain and reacting in jealousy or fear, love anyway. It may not be the easiest path at first but I feel that it does get easier. To do this authentically it is necessary to feel that deep love for yourself. To know that you are always taken care of and perfect just as you are.  So love anyway.

You are the Universe and I am the Universe

As I begin to watch my mind more and more I notice all the ways in which my ego shows up. One of the most interesting to me at this moment is when my ego feels superior or inferior. I notice how when I say something that I feel the other person my not know, I feel as if I am one up on that person.  Intellectual or spiritual knowledge can be one of the most cunning ways in which the ego shows up.  It’s this feeling that wells up inside as if because I know more I am better, I am safe.  The superior ego shows up in those moments of victory.

The inferior ego shows up when I feel that I am not good enough.  Everyone seems to do it better than me and everyone is smarter than me.  It shows up in those moments of “that was not a victory”.

Those are the two extremes of our relationships with others.  Relationships are how we relate to ourselves.  Now that I am beginning to see what it does, I am able to disconnect to the hold it has on my energy.  A great way to transmute this energy is first by recognizing it in yourself and look at everyone you see and say, “You are the Universe and I am Universe” or “ You are God and I am God”.

I am not attached to those feelings anymore. I am just watching and laughing.   Laughing at the interesting ways in which I pretend as if I am not loved, safe and one with all that is.

Eastern vs. Western

As the New Year started I was going through my on again off again “What is my purpose?” phase. In my angst, I intuitively decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

On the second visit I was telling him things like “I just get bored of things easily”.  My focus wasn’t up to par.  He then stated, “Kat, you know it sounds like you have ADD”. When I was in high school I took some of my friend’s Adderall and did my homework at super human speed.  I personally have always had an aversion to any type of stimulate. I, of course, wanted to know what causes the experience of ADD.  He explained that it is a low level of Dopamine, a chemical the brain produces.  I came home and began my research on Dopamine and Amphetamines.

Dopamine is the “motivation” or “pleasure” chemical. The truth is the complexities of the chemical happenings in our brain are beyond incredible.  The best part is we don’t have to think about it, it happens by the Divine Intelligence of our bodies.  As we educate ourselves on how all of these happenings work, then we are really empowered.  Deepak Chopra simply says, “Knowledge has organizing power”.

The next day after my psychiatric appointment I had my third appointment with my acupuncturist.  I had the same talk with her as with my psychiatrist.  I told her of my woes of purpose in life, lack of motivation and uncertainty of where I wanted to move in the direction of.  She would smile and give a compassionate response.  Because of the energy meridians opening, tears would well up in my eyes and I would feel heaviness in my heart.  I was alert and present to the feeling.  I have studied the ancient knowledge of Traditional Chinese Medicine.  I knew about how the tongue can give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of our organs.

My tongue has always had indent markings on the side. It looks like my tongue is swollen and pressing up against my teeth at a pretty intense pressure.  TCM states that this is a result of yang and Qi deficiency.  Yin the cooling feminine aspect and yang is the warming masculine aspect. Knowing that my tendency and constitution is heavier on the Yin side it is important for me to balance my energies with Yang practices.

With the help of the Eastern philosophy and Western Intellectualism I am now in a place to learn to be ok with the energy I so vehemently had an aversion to.  I decided not to take the to drink a cup of Bulletproof coffee with coconut oil and Ghee to jumpstart.  To be clear, you don’t need coffee to stimulate Dopamine.  I simply want to learn this energy and this is how I am choosing to do it at this moment in time. You stimulate Dopamine by sleeping enough, eating right and exercising.  But I have always had an affinity with the coffee culture and always secretly desired to be a part of the coffee club.  With my newfound courage to be ok with the fire energy I can take part in this warming action energy.  I can build the digestive fire while all the while building the fire to put my dreams into action.  As I build my digestion I will be able to have my body working at optimal levels so that my brain can produce the correct balance of chemicals.  Remembering all the while this is a journey and I am grateful to be on it.

Dear Dad

When I began this blog I called it Candid Expressions of a Modern Kundalini Yogette for a reason.  My desire was to express myself from the depths of my heart.  Selfishly actually, because I have learned that expression is quite an important part of this journey.  As we repress feelings of sadness down, they get thick and build up like plaque on the walls of arteries.  This is how heart attacks happen.  For years I have repressed so many feelings and resentments in my being and all in perfection.  What fun it has been to uncover and learn through those experiences. How incredibly amazing technology is that I can share myself with beings all around the world and through doing that heal myself. Here I share a letter to my beloved Dad…

Dear Da Da,

I know I am a little late for Father’s Day but I didn’t think to write you a letter until now.  I want to write you a letter to tell you how I feel. As I write this, I have tears in my eyes.  I have to admit anytime I think of you, I get emotional. You and I have been through a lot together.  A part of me has shoved those years down because of the trauma you and I have been through.  When I think of everything we have been through I realize that we needed to go through all of that. I think all of the pain has catapulted me into where I am today.  Today I am a woman who is working on herself to inspire others to heal their pain as well.  I know that you had a tough life and being in the war impacted you greatly.  I don’t think any man should have to endure what you did.  I don’t think Veterans get anywhere near the amount of respect you deserve.  As much as I do not agree with war, I do understand that this is where humanity is in its evolution.  I hope when my kids grow up, that war will be a part of history.  I remember when I was young and you tried so hard to teach me things.  I was resistant and maybe for a reason.  Maybe I was not supposed to be the Wimbledon star you wanted me to be.  I appreciate the things you took the time out to teach me such as riding a bike, swimming and how you encouraged me to play tennis. Do you remember when I wanted to knit so bad? I laugh so hard when I think of that.  You taught me my sense of humor and I am honored to have your sense of humor. I know things have not been easy for you but I think you are beginning to soften up in this time in your life.  It is beautiful to see you soften.  I remember your charm as a child and your boldness.  I never understood you as a child and now I hope to take on your ability to just not care what anyone thinks of you.  Being such a sensitive child and I know you worried about that for me. Please know that you do not have to worry about me.  I am a human being and life is going to throw curveballs at me but I know now that things always work out.  The natural proclivity of any parent is to worry and I guess I cannot judge it until I become a parent.  My hope is that me writing you this letter will help to ease your worry.  My soul knows that you did the best you could and for that I am eternally grateful to you.  I can’t imagine what it is like to raise a little girl all on your own.  I know we both made mistakes but really there are no mistakes, just opportunities for growth.  I want you to know that I think the world of you and see your greatness.  You are a great man and I am honored to be your daughter.

Love,

T Baby

Seeing Beyond

When someone you love has betrayed you or someone has said something that hurts you, to see their light is to see beyond your psyche.  To be able to see the connection, to see their part in your evolution.  Having compassion means to look at another wounded mind and recognize it as their mind not as them.  Seeing beyond the illusion and looking at their soul.  Rumi said “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there”.  That field is neutrality, that field is nothingness.  To see another being for the love that they truly are is the highest path.  It is also the hardest damn thing to do…we must laugh here.  I have been practicing this on a few people in my life, it takes great awareness to practice this.  A huge part of me want to focus on the things they said or did. I catch myself and begin again by focusing my awareness on the light in their beautiful soul.  I see them as a great teacher, almost as if I had chosen them and the circumstance for my higher evolution.  I see the bigger picture, I feel the pain with the knowing that it will soon pass and a new experience will unfold.  Everyone, yes everyone, no exceptions is a part of this whole. Nothing is separate, no event is not meant to be.  Can you find one person that has hurt you and see the light within them rather than the illusion that you believe in?

 

Forgetting and Remembering…

I am utterly in love with awakening and healing and yet it can be so painful to see your wounds in all of their disgusting glory.  I forget all too often on this journey, I must admit. The moments of remembering just how truly divine I am are the greatest blessings. I say to myself “Oh that is who I am, how could I forget again”.  My feelings of separateness fade away and I am washed in love.  I believe this remembering and forgetting is a part of this shift.  I know this because every single moment is exactly the perfect unfolding of our experience. I am watchful to this knowing, the signs are ubiquitous.  I remember that you are me and I am you.  When I condemn another, I condemn myself.  Your heart is my heart.  When I feel this love, the compassion in my heart in unbearable.  For soon, we will not be afraid anymore.  We will remember and bask in the unity for a great while.  Remaining unattached, knowing that the cycle will end and begin again.

Thank You

We live in a world of duality, of darkness and light.  The experiences of each individual is ever changing and to live in peace it would behoove us to go with these tides of change.  Most of us have this natural proclivity to cling to significant experiences or people.  We do this unconsciously, we do things we don’t want to do for fear of the unknown.  If we only believed that once we truly let go of the people and things that do not serve us we can make room for new exciting people and experiences to flood in.  When you are in pain, you are really asking for something new and better. Abraham hicks teaches us this.  Contrast shows us what we do not want and gives birth to what we do want.  I have always had this thought that you forget pain once it is over. I remember times in my life where I have experienced excruciating physical pain and emotional pain and yet I do not remember it.  I can look back on that timeline but it is not in the present moment, it is gone with the wind.  I do not actually feel it, I can only remember it.  So next time you are in that excruciating pain and asking for the pain to go away be so present in it and go to your heart, KNOW that this will be a page in history.  The important piece of this is giving thanks once it is over. Also feel appreciation for the darkness for bringing you to the light.  Giving thanks darkness for giving you the gift of growth. Go to your heart center and feel the appreciation for the sun coming out and drying up the rain.  Yogi Bhajan says “An attitude of gratitude brings great things.”  When you are truly grateful from your heart, you feel love.  Connection to the divine and in love with it all.  So this is about saying thank you with your heart.

 

Perfection

I am on the path of self growth. I am human. I am doing my best at any and all moments. I am doing my best to remember to let go. I am not perfect. I make mistakes and I react and worry sometimes.  I will do my best to forgive myself when I feel guilt for not being perfect.  As a yoga teacher and a with this desire to grow I have a tendency to feel major guilt if I am not perfect.  I find those of us working on our selves with purpose of growth tend to be perfectionists.  This can be so detrimental to our growth.  We do not allow for mistakes or blemishes to be ok.  There is this voice in your head that berates you for not being good enough.

So we just begin to be a little easier on ourselves and remind ourselves to find the perfection in imperfection. Can we see everything as perfect in the sense that there is absolutely nothing wrong? We see the tainted world as perfect.  Maybe we can just laugh at ourselves when we make a mistake knowing it is just a blip in time.  Beginning to really pay attention to the voice in your head that is criticizing. Do your best to be nice to yourself.  All it really takes is being a little more aware of what is going on in your head. Those thoughts are not going to go away.  It is however very important to take time our of your day to sit and watch these thoughts.  There are many different types of meditation that you can research and play with.  In fact, you can make all moments of your life a meditation.  When you notice yourself in thought, pause and just witness.  Find a way to actually like the things about yourself that you criticize on a daily basis.  Stop the comparing and competing.  Enhance your own gifts and talents. When you look at another, see what you like in them and appreciate it genuinely. This energy of appreciating will guide you.