Love Anyway

I remember as a teenager in high school being so loving and so helpful. If anyone asked for my help I would be the first one there. I was willing to do whatever anyone needed without needing anything in return. There were times I felt it wasn’t appreciated but I was so young, open and it wasn’t a big deal.

I remember a friend of mine Keisha said to me one day “You need to toughen up”. She was the kind of girl that stood up for herself and maybe a little rough around the edges. Keisha went on to explain that people are going to run over me if I was too nice. A shift happened in that moment, a hardening. I began to see that she was right, I wasn’t being appreciated and I was being taken advantage of. I started to pull back from believing that people are mostly good. That innocent loving girl was hidden behind the fear of being a pushover.

As the years went on I would find myself holding back in certain situations depending on the person I was interacting with. I would withhold compliments, love or help if I felt that person would not appreciate or reciprocate. I did this out of fear of losing a part of myself. If I felt that someone wasn’t supportive of my endeavors or me in general I would build a wall. I would see their envy or their disbelief in me and assume that I wasn’t being loved. All the while this was a reflection of my own disconnection to love for myself.

The only reason someone isn’t supportive of you in any way is his or her own insecurity or perception of lack. When you are a sensitive being you feel every energy shift.  If you are not careful you will assume it is because of you. If you read Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements you would know that nothing others do is because of you.

In that one moment that I allowed Keisha to change my perception, my whole world changed. I began to only give my love when I knew it would be reciprocated.

As I become aware of this shift in perception and bring light to it, I see how to balance this energy. With experience and awareness comes wisdom. There comes the ability to see how something served you for the time being and the willpower to move beyond and change.

The lesson here is to love anyway. It is to see the world and people as loving. Give yourself to others with no expectation. Having the awareness to know when you are exerting too much energy. There is a healthy balance; you must know yourself enough to know when to give and when to let go. Being compassionate when you see that someone’s pain is so deep that they react to your love in an unkind way. When you can feel that someone is in pain and reacting in jealousy or fear, love anyway. It may not be the easiest path at first but I feel that it does get easier. To do this authentically it is necessary to feel that deep love for yourself. To know that you are always taken care of and perfect just as you are.  So love anyway.

Choices and Changes

I believe that we chose our parents so that we could have the exact experience we needed to have to learn the lessons we needed to learn.  My parents have always been loving and supportive.   They have really allowed me to be me without pressuring me to be something that they wanted me to be.  I can feel that they love me deeply just like most parents love their child.

They have also always been worriers. I can understand why they worry.  I can see where their conditioning came from.   I can see that both of them come from scarcity consciousness.  It not by choice but just by the life circumstances that were presented to them.  There was never enough.  I remember by dad would say to me in the morning before school “You better get to school or you are going to be living on the street in a box”.  I see where he was coming from, he was concerned for my well being.  I think he felt worried because if I couldn’t provide for myself he knew he couldn’t help me as much as he wanted to.  It all came from love but as a young impressionable child this shaped my psyche. For the rest of my adult life I would live in constant fear of not being supported.

My psyche has drastically changed in the past five years from practicing Kundalini Yoga and Reiki.  I have gone deep into my belief systems and made some changes in those neurotransmitters.  It is a slow and steady process but anything worth anything takes time and patience.  As you begin to awaken you think things will get easier as you start to vibrate on a higher vibration; this is not actually the case.  When you start to emit a higher frequency your old stuff that doesn’t resonate with that high vibrational frequency gets triggered.  At first you will feel like you aren’t doing it right and then you drop in frequency and whatever situation you are looking to manifest doesn’t come to  you because you have dropped out of that frequency.

What I have realized is that every time I talk to my parents and tell them that I may be having a hard time they go into worry frequency and I naturally pick up on that and start vibrating at that old familiar feeling.

My new awareness is to be present to those triggers and be aware of the feelings that arise and again like everything see it from the higher self’s perspective.  As I practice this more and more I have the opportunity to transmute those energies.  I notice how activated I get when my dad asks me if I am going to be able to pay my rent.  If I can be present enough to find that compassion in me for him and see it as old patterns then I go beyond.  As I do this for myself I change my ancestral patterning and my life experience.

As I practice gratitude for what surrounds me and I let go of the desire to have anything other than what surrounds me, I come into the present.  That is what this whole thing is about right? This eternal evolving moment.

 

 

You are the Universe and I am the Universe

As I begin to watch my mind more and more I notice all the ways in which my ego shows up. One of the most interesting to me at this moment is when my ego feels superior or inferior. I notice how when I say something that I feel the other person my not know, I feel as if I am one up on that person.  Intellectual or spiritual knowledge can be one of the most cunning ways in which the ego shows up.  It’s this feeling that wells up inside as if because I know more I am better, I am safe.  The superior ego shows up in those moments of victory.

The inferior ego shows up when I feel that I am not good enough.  Everyone seems to do it better than me and everyone is smarter than me.  It shows up in those moments of “that was not a victory”.

Those are the two extremes of our relationships with others.  Relationships are how we relate to ourselves.  Now that I am beginning to see what it does, I am able to disconnect to the hold it has on my energy.  A great way to transmute this energy is first by recognizing it in yourself and look at everyone you see and say, “You are the Universe and I am Universe” or “ You are God and I am God”.

I am not attached to those feelings anymore. I am just watching and laughing.   Laughing at the interesting ways in which I pretend as if I am not loved, safe and one with all that is.

Bird’s Eye View

Changing your perspective is a gradual process. The process we are going through is a collective experience of learning a new language. The language is love. We are moving from the head to the heart. The pains of birth are excruciating and bloody. We are being born, and once again remembering who we are.

As your consciousness expands you begin to see everything from a broader perspective. Continuing to think expansive thoughts and intentionally changing the reoccurring thoughts which make up your belief systems. We begin to change our narrow minded linear perspective to a bird’s eye view and see everything occurring in perfect timing. We soften our resistance by changing our thoughts to this broader perspective. Because this is a gradual process, life experience will give you what you need to practice this new way of seeing. The key is to allow the incremental process of transformation with that continued perspective. Eventually you will be a place where you are watching it all with a deep knowing that all is perfect.

 

Eastern vs. Western

As the New Year started I was going through my on again off again “What is my purpose?” phase. In my angst, I intuitively decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

On the second visit I was telling him things like “I just get bored of things easily”.  My focus wasn’t up to par.  He then stated, “Kat, you know it sounds like you have ADD”. When I was in high school I took some of my friend’s Adderall and did my homework at super human speed.  I personally have always had an aversion to any type of stimulate. I, of course, wanted to know what causes the experience of ADD.  He explained that it is a low level of Dopamine, a chemical the brain produces.  I came home and began my research on Dopamine and Amphetamines.

Dopamine is the “motivation” or “pleasure” chemical. The truth is the complexities of the chemical happenings in our brain are beyond incredible.  The best part is we don’t have to think about it, it happens by the Divine Intelligence of our bodies.  As we educate ourselves on how all of these happenings work, then we are really empowered.  Deepak Chopra simply says, “Knowledge has organizing power”.

The next day after my psychiatric appointment I had my third appointment with my acupuncturist.  I had the same talk with her as with my psychiatrist.  I told her of my woes of purpose in life, lack of motivation and uncertainty of where I wanted to move in the direction of.  She would smile and give a compassionate response.  Because of the energy meridians opening, tears would well up in my eyes and I would feel heaviness in my heart.  I was alert and present to the feeling.  I have studied the ancient knowledge of Traditional Chinese Medicine.  I knew about how the tongue can give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of our organs.

My tongue has always had indent markings on the side. It looks like my tongue is swollen and pressing up against my teeth at a pretty intense pressure.  TCM states that this is a result of yang and Qi deficiency.  Yin the cooling feminine aspect and yang is the warming masculine aspect. Knowing that my tendency and constitution is heavier on the Yin side it is important for me to balance my energies with Yang practices.

With the help of the Eastern philosophy and Western Intellectualism I am now in a place to learn to be ok with the energy I so vehemently had an aversion to.  I decided not to take the to drink a cup of Bulletproof coffee with coconut oil and Ghee to jumpstart.  To be clear, you don’t need coffee to stimulate Dopamine.  I simply want to learn this energy and this is how I am choosing to do it at this moment in time. You stimulate Dopamine by sleeping enough, eating right and exercising.  But I have always had an affinity with the coffee culture and always secretly desired to be a part of the coffee club.  With my newfound courage to be ok with the fire energy I can take part in this warming action energy.  I can build the digestive fire while all the while building the fire to put my dreams into action.  As I build my digestion I will be able to have my body working at optimal levels so that my brain can produce the correct balance of chemicals.  Remembering all the while this is a journey and I am grateful to be on it.

Patience Is A Virtue

I found myself walking through whole foods the other day feeling irritated at people cutting me off and then noticing myself cutting people off as I walk through the busy isles.  I checked in with myself at that moment and noticed there was space for me to be more conscious, to be more patient.  So often we are running around from one place to the next or not even a place to be and we are in such a hurry.  We become so unaware of the other people around us more often than not.  I find myself saying things like “people annoy me” or “who does this guy think he is?”.  It is the inner resistance voice coming up.  It happens when circumstances are looking stressful in my life experience.  My irritation level is on high alert.  When circumstances are looking good this doesn’t happen so often.  So being more conscious of those moments when those impatient thoughts and feelings come.  I notice those feelings and then in the next moment make a new choice to allow someone to go in front of me or smile at the hard workers.  As we bring more consciousness to these types of inner resistant thoughts we are able to transmute them on a higher level.  It happens of itself over time.  I am the first to admit I get agitated easily and with that brings a greater agent for change.  Bashar says, “It’s the rubber band effect, the further you shoot into the darkness, the further you shoot into the light”.  So do not fret if you find you have a lot of resistance inside of you. 

 

When You’re Ready

On the path of awakening, which includes every human being, we gradually reach new levels of awareness.  In the beginning of your exploration, the enlightening information that you read and listen to reverberates in your heart.  You know this wisdom is truth in a place of your being that you feel but may not have the a deep relationship with yet.  Reaching new heights of consciousness, the true self begins to take over the drivers seat.  Finding yourself behaving differently, dropping self sabotage thoughts and behaviors.  There is something that excites me about this path of remembering, it is that you will not hear something until you are ready to hear it.  You will hear something a million times and then boom, you really hear it.  Each phase is essential to your sprouting.  It is marvelous when the information you have heard many times over integrates into your experience.  It is then when the magic takes place and everything changes.  You really begin practicing the thing that will make those genuine shifts within.  Nothing will be revealed to you until you’re ready, and that is beginning to be just fine with me.

Ex Conspiracy Theorist

In the early stages of my awakening I remember being quite involved in opposing and whining about our governments.  I watched and read everything that concerned conspiracy theories and spoke about them with everyone. I felt it was my need to inform everyone of the act of crime that were being committed upon us, we were victims of horrific violence.  Everyday I would walk outside and see the chemtrails and feel so much anger inside of me, we were victims of silent warfare.  GMOS are now the hot topic.  I was looking at things happening outside of me and feeling incredibly helpless.  This is a part of the process, we look at the world and see what we have created and we are not pleased.  Complaining about our government reminds us of our freedom of speech.  This freedom is our natural state.  We also have the freedom to create new a new paradigm, which we are so beautifully doing.  Resonating with the freedom aspect of ourselves, we expand and break out of the jail cell we have created. We create not by focusing on what is wrong, because in doing that we only give energy to and create more of what we don’t want.  Creation happens by allowing the universal energy to move through us and we are inspired to take action.  Seeing that all of this is a reflection of our collective consciousness that is pushing us create new systems.  To feel that we are having this experience to show us that we do not yet fully understand our unity of all things.  Turn on the light and all darkness is dispelled.  Lets teach each other by example.  Forgiving ourselves. We all have one very important thing in common and that is we are everything, we are connected by the space in between.  Our true self. Let us focus on the truth of remembering our who we really are.  Allowing the divine to flow through us with new ideas and most of all standing tall in our own sovereignty.

The World

To be in balance with the spiritual and the world of the manifested is the ultimate peace and happiness.  Why? Because its take you out of ego, which is object concerned only. When we become attached to this physical world including thought and experience, we have forgotten the source of it all.  This is where most of humanity is today and we are waking up.  The beyond is watching with excitement as we become more.  It may take years of spiritual discipline and a desire to shift your experience or it may take one moment of satori to be in union with this.  You may know this but until you really know, you will still have questions.  When you truly have touched the realm of the unknown,  you will know your connection to all and your questioning will cease.  Everything is stitched together by an invisible string.  There is an underlying awareness that you carry with you everywhere.  An awareness of space, nothingness, the invisible.  It is greater than you but also part of you.  Being cognizant that even thoughts are things, they are vibrations just as solid objects are dense vibrations.  These dense vibrations came into being first by thought.  You lean on this invisible source where everything originates from.  If you want to feel this in your body then feel the energy that gives life to you. You are in harmony with the world and spirit when you can touch space.  You can safely let go, creation is creating and destroying and this is ok with you.  You remember who you are and you keep remembering until that remembering becomes your constant state.  In that constant state, the world floats by as you watch in awe.

Seeing Beyond

When someone you love has betrayed you or someone has said something that hurts you, to see their light is to see beyond your psyche.  To be able to see the connection, to see their part in your evolution.  Having compassion means to look at another wounded mind and recognize it as their mind not as them.  Seeing beyond the illusion and looking at their soul.  Rumi said “Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field. I will meet you there”.  That field is neutrality, that field is nothingness.  To see another being for the love that they truly are is the highest path.  It is also the hardest damn thing to do…we must laugh here.  I have been practicing this on a few people in my life, it takes great awareness to practice this.  A huge part of me want to focus on the things they said or did. I catch myself and begin again by focusing my awareness on the light in their beautiful soul.  I see them as a great teacher, almost as if I had chosen them and the circumstance for my higher evolution.  I see the bigger picture, I feel the pain with the knowing that it will soon pass and a new experience will unfold.  Everyone, yes everyone, no exceptions is a part of this whole. Nothing is separate, no event is not meant to be.  Can you find one person that has hurt you and see the light within them rather than the illusion that you believe in?