For Life

The moment I began my journey to healing my physical body I have been told I am toxic.  Doctors and healers have told me I am full of candida, bad bacteria and parasites.  The barrage of articles on the Internet tells me I need to cleanse and kill the bad bacteria. In the New Age community, the words “detox” and “cleanse” are such commonly used words.

Why should I accept the idea that I am “toxic and need to cleanse”? What if I stopped trying fight the bad guys and brought in the good guys?  What I am saying is that you can’t fight darkness with darkness you can only bring in the light.  What if I stopped believing that my body was toxic while putting herbs, vinegars and other detox formulas to kill the bad bacteria but instead inoculated myself with pro-biotics? The Latin preposition “pro”, meaning “for” and the Greek adjective “biotic”, meaning life, which translates to for life.  By flooding my body with light and life the darkness is immediately dissipated.

It really comes down to what I believe about my body, mind and spirit.  Do I believe that I am toxic and need to cleanse?  For so long, yes I have believed that.  These beliefs are based on guilt and shame for my past decisions.  These decisions were based on spiritual unconsciousness.  As I forgive myself for what I previously judged as “bad decisions” I come into the present and let go of the guilt and shame.   I see it all as necessary for the expansion of my compassion and consciousness.

I now understand that flooding my body and mind with positive thoughts and good bacteria I become light.  The truth of who I am is light and goodness.  The heavy energy and toxicity that I felt is just what I have believed about myself for so long until now.  Of course that is perfect for my journey, for as I know deep in my heart how can I know light without the experience of darkness?

Bird’s Eye View

Changing your perspective is a gradual process. The process we are going through is a collective experience of learning a new language. The language is love. We are moving from the head to the heart. The pains of birth are excruciating and bloody. We are being born, and once again remembering who we are.

As your consciousness expands you begin to see everything from a broader perspective. Continuing to think expansive thoughts and intentionally changing the reoccurring thoughts which make up your belief systems. We begin to change our narrow minded linear perspective to a bird’s eye view and see everything occurring in perfect timing. We soften our resistance by changing our thoughts to this broader perspective. Because this is a gradual process, life experience will give you what you need to practice this new way of seeing. The key is to allow the incremental process of transformation with that continued perspective. Eventually you will be a place where you are watching it all with a deep knowing that all is perfect.

 

Eastern vs. Western

As the New Year started I was going through my on again off again “What is my purpose?” phase. In my angst, I intuitively decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

On the second visit I was telling him things like “I just get bored of things easily”.  My focus wasn’t up to par.  He then stated, “Kat, you know it sounds like you have ADD”. When I was in high school I took some of my friend’s Adderall and did my homework at super human speed.  I personally have always had an aversion to any type of stimulate. I, of course, wanted to know what causes the experience of ADD.  He explained that it is a low level of Dopamine, a chemical the brain produces.  I came home and began my research on Dopamine and Amphetamines.

Dopamine is the “motivation” or “pleasure” chemical. The truth is the complexities of the chemical happenings in our brain are beyond incredible.  The best part is we don’t have to think about it, it happens by the Divine Intelligence of our bodies.  As we educate ourselves on how all of these happenings work, then we are really empowered.  Deepak Chopra simply says, “Knowledge has organizing power”.

The next day after my psychiatric appointment I had my third appointment with my acupuncturist.  I had the same talk with her as with my psychiatrist.  I told her of my woes of purpose in life, lack of motivation and uncertainty of where I wanted to move in the direction of.  She would smile and give a compassionate response.  Because of the energy meridians opening, tears would well up in my eyes and I would feel heaviness in my heart.  I was alert and present to the feeling.  I have studied the ancient knowledge of Traditional Chinese Medicine.  I knew about how the tongue can give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of our organs.

My tongue has always had indent markings on the side. It looks like my tongue is swollen and pressing up against my teeth at a pretty intense pressure.  TCM states that this is a result of yang and Qi deficiency.  Yin the cooling feminine aspect and yang is the warming masculine aspect. Knowing that my tendency and constitution is heavier on the Yin side it is important for me to balance my energies with Yang practices.

With the help of the Eastern philosophy and Western Intellectualism I am now in a place to learn to be ok with the energy I so vehemently had an aversion to.  I decided not to take the to drink a cup of Bulletproof coffee with coconut oil and Ghee to jumpstart.  To be clear, you don’t need coffee to stimulate Dopamine.  I simply want to learn this energy and this is how I am choosing to do it at this moment in time. You stimulate Dopamine by sleeping enough, eating right and exercising.  But I have always had an affinity with the coffee culture and always secretly desired to be a part of the coffee club.  With my newfound courage to be ok with the fire energy I can take part in this warming action energy.  I can build the digestive fire while all the while building the fire to put my dreams into action.  As I build my digestion I will be able to have my body working at optimal levels so that my brain can produce the correct balance of chemicals.  Remembering all the while this is a journey and I am grateful to be on it.

Doing, Doing, Doing

When I look around at the world I see a bunch of ants running around doing a bunch of things and in a hurry to do them.  I often ponder if that is our purpose.  I see so much of our society is based on what we are doing or accomplishing.  Is that the real nature of being human? To do, make and create?  I don’t have answers to this.  I have come to realize that I know nothing and the things I think I know are changing or probably will change.  I am just here perceiving how I perceive and doing my best to come to new conclusions with those new perceptions.  I find myself in a place where there is a clean slate and I feel a ton of pressure to figure out what I am going to do now.  I see how everyone has their creation they are working so hard on and with so much passion.  I have a lot of respect for it.  I just don’t have that in this moment and by not having that somehow I have picked up in my subconscious that does not make me worthy. It is so interesting how we have defined our self worth by what we accomplish and do.  In truth, just being is so beyond worthy in itself.  So do I have to have some big project or goal in the pipeline? I feel that my conditioning says yes and it is a big yes.  It is saying “Kat, get off your ass and do something big or you are going to be living in a box on the side of the street”.  There is however a small but tiny voice that says “Just relax Kat, you just do what you feel in this moment and all is unfolding for you perfectly”.  So which voice do I listen to?  I think I will listen to the small tiny voice and see what happens.

 

When You’re Ready

On the path of awakening, which includes every human being, we gradually reach new levels of awareness.  In the beginning of your exploration, the enlightening information that you read and listen to reverberates in your heart.  You know this wisdom is truth in a place of your being that you feel but may not have the a deep relationship with yet.  Reaching new heights of consciousness, the true self begins to take over the drivers seat.  Finding yourself behaving differently, dropping self sabotage thoughts and behaviors.  There is something that excites me about this path of remembering, it is that you will not hear something until you are ready to hear it.  You will hear something a million times and then boom, you really hear it.  Each phase is essential to your sprouting.  It is marvelous when the information you have heard many times over integrates into your experience.  It is then when the magic takes place and everything changes.  You really begin practicing the thing that will make those genuine shifts within.  Nothing will be revealed to you until you’re ready, and that is beginning to be just fine with me.

The Kind of Abundance I Want to Cultivate

I truly believe in the statement “It is all perfect”. Some of my friends think I am a bit silly when I say this.  I can see why it seems silly.  My reasoning behind liking this is because it helps you to see everything as the best possible scenario. When you see a circumstance in this way, you accept it fully and add a positive spin on it.  How awesome is that?  You created it so its perfect for what you are needing in this moment.  The reason we experience pain is because we are getting in the way.  Our higher self is doing all of the connecting and sorting.  Our physical mind’s role is to have perspective.  So the best things we can do is have a great perspective right?

I took a big risk and came to Bangkok, Thailand for a job that was not guaranteed.  I gave up my apartment, my dog and security to take an adventure. I came here with just enough money to pay my bills back home during the three months I was going to stay here. In my mind, I really had a feeling I was going to go home with tons of money in my account.  That three months is coming to an end and I will be going home with no dollars in my account.  There was major fear when this first came to my attention and to add a little tiny bit of resentment. I came all the way across the world to work very hard and go home with no money?  Although I am going home with no dollars in my account, I am going home with so much abundance that money cannot buy.

The experiences and realizations that I have had here are incredibly enriching.  I meet the unknown here, I thought I knew what God was, and now it has integrated.  I have talked about the Divine, Source Energy or whatever you want to call it for years. It was still something that was elusive to me until now. I now have a relationship with Source Energy.  I know it is the invisible mind that we are all connected to, the un-namable.  The one who is creating, it is not outside of me but the bigger part of me as Abraham Hicks teaches.  I learned how to sweat, how to truly be ok with sweating. If you know me, I abhor sweating.  This is huge for me.  My blog was created here. I found a special coffee shop nearby that I ride my bike to and just sat down and started writing.  I never wrote before in my life and now I wonder how I survived without this outlet.  I met a dear friend at that coffee shop that brought me to Buddhist Meditations and great temples like Ayutaya.  She is a friend for life that I cherish so deeply.  I learned to chew my food, to really chew my food.  To make sure that the enzymes are activated so I put less stress on my stomach.  Yogi Bhajan says “You don’t have teeth in your stomach”.  I wondered why I was bloated so often.  Food that isn’t properly masticated rots in your stomach and is breeding ground for bacteria. Gross, I know. Unless you are chewing your food until is liquid then you have problems.  You learn that you don’t need to eat as much when you really take the time to chew your food.  I learned that LA traffic is not that bad in comparison to Bangkok. I look forward to sitting in my Mini on the 101. Let’s hope this awareness stays with me for a while when I return.

That amount of abundance surpasses anything I could have every dreamed of.  I am going home with so much abundance in my heart.  I can feel the abundance that is pouring over me.  That is the kind of abundance I want to cultivate.

Some of the photos I took at this magical place…

Ex Conspiracy Theorist

In the early stages of my awakening I remember being quite involved in opposing and whining about our governments.  I watched and read everything that concerned conspiracy theories and spoke about them with everyone. I felt it was my need to inform everyone of the act of crime that were being committed upon us, we were victims of horrific violence.  Everyday I would walk outside and see the chemtrails and feel so much anger inside of me, we were victims of silent warfare.  GMOS are now the hot topic.  I was looking at things happening outside of me and feeling incredibly helpless.  This is a part of the process, we look at the world and see what we have created and we are not pleased.  Complaining about our government reminds us of our freedom of speech.  This freedom is our natural state.  We also have the freedom to create new a new paradigm, which we are so beautifully doing.  Resonating with the freedom aspect of ourselves, we expand and break out of the jail cell we have created. We create not by focusing on what is wrong, because in doing that we only give energy to and create more of what we don’t want.  Creation happens by allowing the universal energy to move through us and we are inspired to take action.  Seeing that all of this is a reflection of our collective consciousness that is pushing us create new systems.  To feel that we are having this experience to show us that we do not yet fully understand our unity of all things.  Turn on the light and all darkness is dispelled.  Lets teach each other by example.  Forgiving ourselves. We all have one very important thing in common and that is we are everything, we are connected by the space in between.  Our true self. Let us focus on the truth of remembering our who we really are.  Allowing the divine to flow through us with new ideas and most of all standing tall in our own sovereignty.

Somatic

C.S. Lewis said “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.” I personally have become so entangled with my somatic problems.  I obsess over every little blemish, bloat or pain.  Upon my awakening and spiritual path I learned that outside circumstances have nothing to do with me and who I truly am.  Who I am truly am is the one who watches, the timeless and untouchable nothingness. These are merely events that I experience.  Although I know this I was still convinced, until now, that my body was me.  How could it not be? My soul was occupying this space, it goes with me everywhere.  I am drawn into every ache, itch and anything that was slightly off balance.  I feel shame about my imperfections.  My thoughts wonder what I did wrong for this imbalance in the body to manifest.  I fumble back into the past and feel regret and sadness for the toxic chemicals I put into my body.  Then I had the realization that I am not my body and these aches and pains are a part of this awakening to the true self.  The true self does not fear pain, it faces fear with great courage and tenacity.  The realization that I am not my body has been the hidden secret because of my unrelenting  attachment to it.   I am not  flesh, blood and bone but the energy that pervades this physical body.  There is a part of you that welcomes pain and change because it knows on the other side is growth if you chose it.  As we go into this new age we understand that time is speeding up and manifestation is happening at much faster rates.  The more that we can go with this ebb and flow we can open up to the powerful energy that is being sent here on Earth.  I will now connect to the universal energy that is running through my vessel and allow it to flow.  I trust that my health depends solely on this energy to flow, it is that simple.

Forgetting and Remembering…

I am utterly in love with awakening and healing and yet it can be so painful to see your wounds in all of their disgusting glory.  I forget all too often on this journey, I must admit. The moments of remembering just how truly divine I am are the greatest blessings. I say to myself “Oh that is who I am, how could I forget again”.  My feelings of separateness fade away and I am washed in love.  I believe this remembering and forgetting is a part of this shift.  I know this because every single moment is exactly the perfect unfolding of our experience. I am watchful to this knowing, the signs are ubiquitous.  I remember that you are me and I am you.  When I condemn another, I condemn myself.  Your heart is my heart.  When I feel this love, the compassion in my heart in unbearable.  For soon, we will not be afraid anymore.  We will remember and bask in the unity for a great while.  Remaining unattached, knowing that the cycle will end and begin again.

Welcome

If you have read my other blog entries then you probably get the sense I am curious and intrigued by darkness.  I feel it deeply and have a passion for understanding it.  I have come to learn and accept that it is necessary. I received a feeling during a moment of darkness that felt warming, almost as if I enjoyed the pain?  I felt as though I was welcoming it.  I was not resisting it, but not only that, I was enjoying it.  Recognizing that the darkness is a part of me on a deeper level than I had previously known.  We all have shadow parts of ourselves and we have been conditioned to feel shame around our dark parts.  This shame separates us from each other, we feel isolated.  Its as if no one had ever felt the pain that we are feeling, which is so far from truth. We begin to honor each part of ourselves, remembering that none of it is us.  The true self is nothingness.  It can be hard to grasp this when we have been trained to be so involved in physical form and dismissing the other side, which is spirit.  Can we begin to welcome it all, enjoy it all?  Learn to be ok with the fact that really we are nothingness?