For Life

The moment I began my journey to healing my physical body I have been told I am toxic.  Doctors and healers have told me I am full of candida, bad bacteria and parasites.  The barrage of articles on the Internet tells me I need to cleanse and kill the bad bacteria. In the New Age community, the words “detox” and “cleanse” are such commonly used words.

Why should I accept the idea that I am “toxic and need to cleanse”? What if I stopped trying fight the bad guys and brought in the good guys?  What I am saying is that you can’t fight darkness with darkness you can only bring in the light.  What if I stopped believing that my body was toxic while putting herbs, vinegars and other detox formulas to kill the bad bacteria but instead inoculated myself with pro-biotics? The Latin preposition “pro”, meaning “for” and the Greek adjective “biotic”, meaning life, which translates to for life.  By flooding my body with light and life the darkness is immediately dissipated.

It really comes down to what I believe about my body, mind and spirit.  Do I believe that I am toxic and need to cleanse?  For so long, yes I have believed that.  These beliefs are based on guilt and shame for my past decisions.  These decisions were based on spiritual unconsciousness.  As I forgive myself for what I previously judged as “bad decisions” I come into the present and let go of the guilt and shame.   I see it all as necessary for the expansion of my compassion and consciousness.

I now understand that flooding my body and mind with positive thoughts and good bacteria I become light.  The truth of who I am is light and goodness.  The heavy energy and toxicity that I felt is just what I have believed about myself for so long until now.  Of course that is perfect for my journey, for as I know deep in my heart how can I know light without the experience of darkness?

Choices and Changes

I believe that we chose our parents so that we could have the exact experience we needed to have to learn the lessons we needed to learn.  My parents have always been loving and supportive.   They have really allowed me to be me without pressuring me to be something that they wanted me to be.  I can feel that they love me deeply just like most parents love their child.

They have also always been worriers. I can understand why they worry.  I can see where their conditioning came from.   I can see that both of them come from scarcity consciousness.  It not by choice but just by the life circumstances that were presented to them.  There was never enough.  I remember by dad would say to me in the morning before school “You better get to school or you are going to be living on the street in a box”.  I see where he was coming from, he was concerned for my well being.  I think he felt worried because if I couldn’t provide for myself he knew he couldn’t help me as much as he wanted to.  It all came from love but as a young impressionable child this shaped my psyche. For the rest of my adult life I would live in constant fear of not being supported.

My psyche has drastically changed in the past five years from practicing Kundalini Yoga and Reiki.  I have gone deep into my belief systems and made some changes in those neurotransmitters.  It is a slow and steady process but anything worth anything takes time and patience.  As you begin to awaken you think things will get easier as you start to vibrate on a higher vibration; this is not actually the case.  When you start to emit a higher frequency your old stuff that doesn’t resonate with that high vibrational frequency gets triggered.  At first you will feel like you aren’t doing it right and then you drop in frequency and whatever situation you are looking to manifest doesn’t come to  you because you have dropped out of that frequency.

What I have realized is that every time I talk to my parents and tell them that I may be having a hard time they go into worry frequency and I naturally pick up on that and start vibrating at that old familiar feeling.

My new awareness is to be present to those triggers and be aware of the feelings that arise and again like everything see it from the higher self’s perspective.  As I practice this more and more I have the opportunity to transmute those energies.  I notice how activated I get when my dad asks me if I am going to be able to pay my rent.  If I can be present enough to find that compassion in me for him and see it as old patterns then I go beyond.  As I do this for myself I change my ancestral patterning and my life experience.

As I practice gratitude for what surrounds me and I let go of the desire to have anything other than what surrounds me, I come into the present.  That is what this whole thing is about right? This eternal evolving moment.

 

 

Bird’s Eye View

Changing your perspective is a gradual process. The process we are going through is a collective experience of learning a new language. The language is love. We are moving from the head to the heart. The pains of birth are excruciating and bloody. We are being born, and once again remembering who we are.

As your consciousness expands you begin to see everything from a broader perspective. Continuing to think expansive thoughts and intentionally changing the reoccurring thoughts which make up your belief systems. We begin to change our narrow minded linear perspective to a bird’s eye view and see everything occurring in perfect timing. We soften our resistance by changing our thoughts to this broader perspective. Because this is a gradual process, life experience will give you what you need to practice this new way of seeing. The key is to allow the incremental process of transformation with that continued perspective. Eventually you will be a place where you are watching it all with a deep knowing that all is perfect.

 

Humbled

I love the quote “Life will give you whatever experience is the most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness” –Eckhart Tolle. That is a deep statement. As we step into a desire to become more expansive, life experiences arise so that we may have the experience and cultivate a new perspective. The experience life has given me in the past year or so is the experience of not having very much money, having just enough or sometimes even the feeling of not having enough. This is a quite a humbling experience. You begin to think back to the times you judged your friends for not having the money to go to dinner or join you at an event and wish you didn’t. As a person on the path seeking you begin to look to the belief systems you carry that prevent your experience of abundance. You realize that you have been conditioned by someone or some experience in the past to come from a place of lack consciousness. It is your choice to transmute those beliefs systems and have the courage to move through the pain of processing the suffering.

There are many lessons to learn during this experience.  I opened up to the idea that there are many free resources that I felt I was too good to open up to when I had the money to do them. It is possible to cook at home most of the time.  I was forced to cancel my yoga membership. One month later I was offered a position to teach at Golden Bridge, so as a teacher I practice for free as an employee. I bartered with massage therapists trading Reiki treatments for massages.  Taking cash out and giving myself a budget each week helps me to be mindful of what I spend. I decided to put myself out there like I never did before. I sent in my resume to jobs I never would have thought I would. I took action while all the time trusting all is perfect. I cried. I panicked. I thought moving away would solve my financial problems.

Then I realized this is exactly what I needed to learn to grow to have compassion. The abundance lies in your experiences. Your self worth is not defined by the amount of money you have in your account but by your connection to the absolute Divine that is within you. You are the Universe and the Universe is abundance. Count your abundance in all of the ways you see it. Feel the gratitude for all that surrounds you. Focus there. Put all of your awareness on the gratitude for this life experience and be excited for what is coming.

 

 

Eastern vs. Western

As the New Year started I was going through my on again off again “What is my purpose?” phase. In my angst, I intuitively decided to make an appointment with a psychiatrist.

On the second visit I was telling him things like “I just get bored of things easily”.  My focus wasn’t up to par.  He then stated, “Kat, you know it sounds like you have ADD”. When I was in high school I took some of my friend’s Adderall and did my homework at super human speed.  I personally have always had an aversion to any type of stimulate. I, of course, wanted to know what causes the experience of ADD.  He explained that it is a low level of Dopamine, a chemical the brain produces.  I came home and began my research on Dopamine and Amphetamines.

Dopamine is the “motivation” or “pleasure” chemical. The truth is the complexities of the chemical happenings in our brain are beyond incredible.  The best part is we don’t have to think about it, it happens by the Divine Intelligence of our bodies.  As we educate ourselves on how all of these happenings work, then we are really empowered.  Deepak Chopra simply says, “Knowledge has organizing power”.

The next day after my psychiatric appointment I had my third appointment with my acupuncturist.  I had the same talk with her as with my psychiatrist.  I told her of my woes of purpose in life, lack of motivation and uncertainty of where I wanted to move in the direction of.  She would smile and give a compassionate response.  Because of the energy meridians opening, tears would well up in my eyes and I would feel heaviness in my heart.  I was alert and present to the feeling.  I have studied the ancient knowledge of Traditional Chinese Medicine.  I knew about how the tongue can give us a glimpse of what is going on inside of our organs.

My tongue has always had indent markings on the side. It looks like my tongue is swollen and pressing up against my teeth at a pretty intense pressure.  TCM states that this is a result of yang and Qi deficiency.  Yin the cooling feminine aspect and yang is the warming masculine aspect. Knowing that my tendency and constitution is heavier on the Yin side it is important for me to balance my energies with Yang practices.

With the help of the Eastern philosophy and Western Intellectualism I am now in a place to learn to be ok with the energy I so vehemently had an aversion to.  I decided not to take the to drink a cup of Bulletproof coffee with coconut oil and Ghee to jumpstart.  To be clear, you don’t need coffee to stimulate Dopamine.  I simply want to learn this energy and this is how I am choosing to do it at this moment in time. You stimulate Dopamine by sleeping enough, eating right and exercising.  But I have always had an affinity with the coffee culture and always secretly desired to be a part of the coffee club.  With my newfound courage to be ok with the fire energy I can take part in this warming action energy.  I can build the digestive fire while all the while building the fire to put my dreams into action.  As I build my digestion I will be able to have my body working at optimal levels so that my brain can produce the correct balance of chemicals.  Remembering all the while this is a journey and I am grateful to be on it.

Doing, Doing, Doing

When I look around at the world I see a bunch of ants running around doing a bunch of things and in a hurry to do them.  I often ponder if that is our purpose.  I see so much of our society is based on what we are doing or accomplishing.  Is that the real nature of being human? To do, make and create?  I don’t have answers to this.  I have come to realize that I know nothing and the things I think I know are changing or probably will change.  I am just here perceiving how I perceive and doing my best to come to new conclusions with those new perceptions.  I find myself in a place where there is a clean slate and I feel a ton of pressure to figure out what I am going to do now.  I see how everyone has their creation they are working so hard on and with so much passion.  I have a lot of respect for it.  I just don’t have that in this moment and by not having that somehow I have picked up in my subconscious that does not make me worthy. It is so interesting how we have defined our self worth by what we accomplish and do.  In truth, just being is so beyond worthy in itself.  So do I have to have some big project or goal in the pipeline? I feel that my conditioning says yes and it is a big yes.  It is saying “Kat, get off your ass and do something big or you are going to be living in a box on the side of the street”.  There is however a small but tiny voice that says “Just relax Kat, you just do what you feel in this moment and all is unfolding for you perfectly”.  So which voice do I listen to?  I think I will listen to the small tiny voice and see what happens.

 

Welcome

If you have read my other blog entries then you probably get the sense I am curious and intrigued by darkness.  I feel it deeply and have a passion for understanding it.  I have come to learn and accept that it is necessary. I received a feeling during a moment of darkness that felt warming, almost as if I enjoyed the pain?  I felt as though I was welcoming it.  I was not resisting it, but not only that, I was enjoying it.  Recognizing that the darkness is a part of me on a deeper level than I had previously known.  We all have shadow parts of ourselves and we have been conditioned to feel shame around our dark parts.  This shame separates us from each other, we feel isolated.  Its as if no one had ever felt the pain that we are feeling, which is so far from truth. We begin to honor each part of ourselves, remembering that none of it is us.  The true self is nothingness.  It can be hard to grasp this when we have been trained to be so involved in physical form and dismissing the other side, which is spirit.  Can we begin to welcome it all, enjoy it all?  Learn to be ok with the fact that really we are nothingness?

Darkness

I have a great desire to help others release resistance because of my own personal struggle. Maybe some of you have it together and everything is perfect.  Kudos to you if that is the case.  It has taken me a while to get to a point where I appreciate the struggle.  I still have my moments asking “why oh why?” They are now lined with a deep trust that I am guided and exactly where I need to be. Struggle will make you a strong asker for new and better.  We all see the world in a certain way according to the life experiences we have had.  I, like everyone else in the world have experienced pain and heart break.  How can you have compassion when you have not had the experience?   We are experiencing certain circumstances so that our soul can evolve.  You just have to relax and trust, stop reacting.  The struggle that you are going through now will pass and you will have another one very soon.  The moment you truly accept that, the struggle is over.  Not everyone is dealing with the same problems.  The experiences we are having are a direct result of what we need to experience to become more aware.  We will keep experiencing the same circumstance until we are ready to transform it. We have a tendency to want to play victim mentality.  We ask why do I have to deal with this? What did I do wrong?  Eckhart Tolle says “Life will give you whatever experience you need for the evolution of your consciousness”.  Find a way to look to how this conflict is serving you, this will shift you from victim to creator mentality.  In my darkness, I find myself.  I emerge new and better.

 

Barrier to Bliss

The feeling when you decide that you just don’t care anymore is freedom.  Freedom is our natural state, stress and worry is the only barrier to our bliss.  Absolutely everything is a choice.  I chose for the past thirty years of my life to worry about what everyone is thinking of me.  I think that is called social anxiety or self consciousness.  In my case I might have been born with it.  I remember hiding behind my mom’s leg when anyone came near me to say hello.  You can forget letting Santa hold me for a photo without an absolute meltdown.  I have faint memories of when I was a teenager and the fear of going somewhere alone was so overwhelming.  My inner thoughts imagined what other people were saying in their head, whether good or bad.  Eckhart Tollle tells us a shy persons ego is ambivalent, it both wants and fears attention.  The fear is that the attention will come in the form of criticism.  This may not be your biggest problem, we all have our set of challenges that we are working on in this YOUniversity.  I am talking to us narcissists that believe everyone is just thinking of you.  The truth is that everyone is so involved in their own incessant rants about their own set of what they believe are their “problems”.  From today on I am going to make the choice to live in my truth and be free of others opinions of me.